A Letter in Pink

Some disjointed thoughts.

Self esteem. Hard to measure. Yet affects everyone, in many areas of their lives. Even mine.

Longing for solitude.

Anonymity is valuable.

An autistic child gave House his PSP. Sometimes tears drop onto the mud and cleanses the ground, even if its just a little. There is no known magic to dispell a fog, but the rain drops bring it to the ground.

I always thought that the older you get the better equipped you are to handle problems that seemed overwhelming at the time. I didnt realise that higher level problems will then come.

Sometimes i'm ashamed of my weaknesses, not merely in having them ,but not being able to conquer them over time. The bad thing is, that success or failure doesnt only affect me, but all those around me, look up to me, or whom are a potential receiver of what i can do. The good news it that so far i've not perceived an a great expectation on what i must be, and thats at least an immense pressure that doesnt yet exist. If there were in fact expectations, or judgements of any sort, warranted or otherwise, ignorance is bliss.

I've always had mixed feelings about a clean state.
On one hand, i've changed names many times ( internally of course ), in what the name i think of myself changes, as to show that there is a change of identity.
On the other hand, i am Reminescence, where the 'greatest sin is to forget'.

I think the differnce lies in what one is trying to forget.
Some things are better left forgotten, others you chisel into stone and skin that they may never fade.

Further analysis shows that a prolonged and sustained case of doing things that need to be done, doing the right thing, doing the best thing for me, has had some serious side effects. It feels like doing what everyone else wants me to do, and doing everything except what i want to do, or at least in grossly insufficient amounts. The worse thing perhaps is that it is self discipline, or at least whatever amount is manifested, causes one to resent the party which it perceives is the source of the problem - oneself.

Its one thing to resent others for forcing you to do something you dislike, its almost similar when you become the guilty party. Having been a great rebel against any type of authoritative body which exerts is authority on me, justified or otherwise, has implications when i become that body. Bottom line is " its miserable having to do whats right rather than what i want to do".

The side effects has great effect on my mood, and the condition of my spirit. My efficiency decreases substantially, as i am a mood dependant person. I like to help people, but i realise i cant do that at all when i'm having my own needs unmet. Helping myself is the first step to helping others. I'm no use to others when crippled by circumstances. Have to find a way to overcome my own problems before i can help others. Its always been the other way around. Or rather, historically speaking, i've never been affected by as many types of problems.

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On self esteem again, i believe that when you feel good about yourself, you believe you can do lots of things, even if it is not accurate if measured objectively. I think objectively doesnt matter, its perceived reality which comes into play, a kind of self fufilling prophecy. Little successes, clustered and recent, does a lot to boost self esteem. Even if its just one thing, like the ability to play a game well, and the fact that you just won, or keep winning, will make one feel better about oneself, and ultimately improve performance. I compare the fact that i am rarely really good at anything, at least on any competitive level, and tend to lose whatever game i'm playing. Or at least for the one game i believe i'm good at, even in that there are losses, and i believe those losses do have a psychic effect on me. Breaking 4k land was a record, and ultimately i reached 4973 land in TR, felt a little bit good about it, but when i made a mistake and dropped 1k land in 12 hours, boy did that ruin my day. Stupid right, you say over a simple game. For me it may be a game, for others it may be results, it may be the reaction of a partner, the outcome of a presentation, but the effects are still the same. Understanding, even if flawed, will shed some insight into how we work, and we can begin to think about how to improve it.

( disclaimer : the above has no pschological backing, and is purely the views of the author.)

I've decided to take a rest today, and try and 'build' myself up again. The world can come at me full force again tomorrow, but for today, it'll have to find someone else to bother.